Is that a line from a song? I�m going to google it�no, nothing appears. Oh well, I�ll post this and THEN it will be googlable. That is a good word, googlable :o)
So anyway�today is the day of counselling. I think I probably should have prepared some stuff so that when I go in I don�t do my usual trick of blathering away and never really hitting the point BUT I tried to write down how I was feeling and I couldn�t even do that. Good luck counselling lady! I really wish I knew what to expect, I�ve never been to anything like this before and my brain is getting all twittery about it. It�s really easy to write how I feel but talking about it is something else entirely. I�m hoping that getting into a room with someone who is PAID to listen to me will help, because at the moment I don�t feel like I can talk to anyone. It�s like a big loudspeaker goes off in my head �SELFISH! SELFISH BITCH TALKING ABOUT HERSELF AGAIN!� and then my open mouth closes and the things I wanted to say all stay all bottled up. For some reason, when I say the phrase �bottled up� (or even write it) I get a really good noise in my head like a cork being whacked back into a bottle - being �bottled up��of course.
But yes�last night I wigged out at Matt again. I was trying to get stuff into my bag at tesco and he was walking out of the door with the trolley (and I had stuff I needed to put in it before we went out) and so I said hang on about 5 times and yet he still carried on walking (seriously, if I ask you to hang on and then start walking towards you it is NOT logical for you to then presume I�m ready (because I just said hang on for fucks sake) and so begin walking again. This is what matt did�and it angered me greatly)�so yes, first I�m annoyed with having to struggle to get stuff into my bag and THEN having to chase him and stop, in the doorway where we were right in the way, to put a birthday card into a suitable bag (one where it wouldn�t become birthday origami) AND THEN when I told him he was annoying me he did a big childish moan that started �Goooooood! No need to get wound up about it!� and did that help me NOT get wound up? No�it didn�t. It just made me angrier�
And this anger continued for several hours.
Why? Why do I get this angry? And why can�t I calm down? And how do I get him to understand? And how can I stay calm when I�m trying to get him to understand? And why do I have no motivation? And why are there so many questions whizzing round my bonce?
Well�I�m off in a bit and I�ll pick him up and drop him at his brothers and go to the docs and then talk and talk and then pick him up and go for coffee maybe and I hope we don�t row. I hope he thinks. I HOPE HOPE HOPE that he will not respond to me snapping with more snaps.
GAHHHHHH
I think I�ve been waiting for this session a TAD too long.
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
