Hello�my name is Louisa and I watch Big Brother (and I LOVE it)�I also neglect my diary. I seriously need to make more time for myself. Writing in this (oh, and by the way, am I the only person who doesn�t write this thing in the actual entry box??? Word and I have a deal where it recovers things I�ve written after the computer spazzes out) is one of the only things I do for �me��other things being stuff like reading�and that�s about it really. It�s pretty difficult for me because before I met Matt I was quite free, despite being with people. During my first 2 years of Uni I was with Paul and he would bugger off to his campus all day (Bradford Uni had a separate Business school in a different part of the town) and I was free to dance around like a loony, go shopping on my own (yes, I�m sad�I�m a loner�I accept this), go for a coffee blah blah blah, and then in my final year I was going out with a guy from Devon (Bradford to Devon�300 miles) so I had a LOT of time to myself�but then in my last semester I started seeing Matt and I started going home every weekend and being on the phone to him 24/7 and since then we�ve kind of been joined at the hip.
*sigh*
I do worry that a lot of my problems now are based on being in such an intense relationship. But�then I think that all my problems are based on ME and that if a certain relationship can bring them to the fore then I still need to face up to them because they are MY problems�
So yes�
COUNSELLING�
Tuesday just gone was my last session�I knew I�d be okay though, I really did. Mom rang me in the morning while I was at work, asking how I felt and I said that I had LOTS to tell her that I knew she was going to smile and and say �yes! Well done!� and when I got there and I told Maria this, she did smile and she did say well done, not just for the things I�d discovered, but for the fact that I knew how she�d react. I have her voice in my head now, even though it�s a part of me it�s like my inner Maria and it keeps asking me the questions she would.
Wow�.
We have PROGRESS!!! I�ve read Counselling for Toads and I have to say that�just�wow. I�m sure I�ve said it before but it did more for me than I can ever explain. I�m like Toad in SO many ways and I think that it�s helped me most because I kind of feel that if someone has taken the time to write a book about a creature (toadie) feeling the way he felt, and if I can connect with that, then I CAN�T be the only one feeling like this.
�and�as I�ve also started reading Games People Play it�s good to know that the things I do that make me hate myself are just things that people have always been doing�and it�s normal.
All I want is to be like everyone else, but also�to be completely unique and special.
Ha ha�I laugh at myself sometimes�but these books really have helped me. They�re helping me see that I don�t do things for no reason, I do them because I�m a freak! Hee hee, no, seriously, this is a game too, did you know? I play �Stupid� a LOT and it�s wrong because I�m not stupid, I just can�t help putting myself down all the time and the worst thing is, I want YOU to put me down too. And when you do? I�ll laugh and I�ll smile and it�ll all be okay because I�m making you laugh, even though it�s at my expense�and then when I�m feeling down or miserable, I�ll remember all those times you and everyone else laughed and I can play Poor Little Old Me and feel sorry for myself, and be down and depressed and feel like I�m utterly utterly alone�and this is cool, because when I�m like this, even though I feel like shit, I know what�s going on because feeling like shit is normal for me�it makes me feel secure in some perverse way.
So, I�m learning the games I play (and how destructive they can be) and how to stop myself from playing them�and it�s good because I can kind of see the games that Matt plays with me and I�m really trying not to get involved in them�and we�re arguing so much less! And when we do argue? It�s a argument and NOT a fight�and on a couple of occasions I�ve even managed to keep my cool and explain to him why I�m upset, or why I think we�re not getting on and it�s all been okay!
I dreamt we were getting married last night :o) I know it�s not indicative of anything really, but I think it does show that I�m feeling a bit more comfortable sub-conciously�
�although, I am a bit worried that two depressive people aren�t going to get better together, not when the little things we do add to making each other MORE depressed sometimes�I�m sure it�ll all work out though�
I know that Matt is quite often in his child ego state, and this encourages me to be the parent�which means I�ll either become my mom and give him everything I think he needs to make him happy, even if it makes me miserable, or I�ll become my dad, totally intolerant, shouting and yelling, imagining myself to be �better� and hold the moral high-ground�
I noticed something else yesterday too�Matt came to meet me for lunch and he was being REALLY moody. I tried my hardest to be cheerful for the both of us but nothing really worked. I ended up getting depressed myself so by the time I came home I was down and unhappy and guess what? Matt was cheerful and doing silly voices and I think that it was because I was being so quiet. I wonder why we can�t BOTH be happy? But, when I noticed that we�d switched roles I cheered up so we WERE both happy together :o)
�this spoilt brat doesn�t WANT to become the adult she needs to be, but goddamnit, I�m going to drag her kicking and screaming (as she has done for the past 24 years) into adulthood and then maybe we can start living a more normal and happy life? I wish I wasn�t emotionally stunted you know ;o)
Do you know who I remind myself of? And do you know I wouldn�t have seen it before counselling�Nikki off Big Brother (only really pertinent if you watch it I guess)�she�s 24, she�s spoilt, she has tantrums�she�s what I�d be if only I wasn�t too polite to say what�s on my mind all the time. If I was in the Big Brother house (no, I don�t want to be�just IF) though, I KNOW I�d come across the same as her because I�m spoilt and ranty in private, but there is no private in there and so I�d end up doing it (the foot stamping and yelling) in front of the entire nation (should they choose to watch, obv�hee hee)�she has the same length hair as me too. I associate the stupidest things�
BIG BRO�
So, are you watching it anyway? I am�a bit too much I think. It�s just been mad from the beginning and ALL of them are nutters. I�m also reading Dead Famous�which is based on Big Brother (like most of Ben Elton�s books it�s based on something �popular��his books are sooooo good) and keeps going on about how programmes like that aren�t reality TV because it�s all cut and edited to portray different characters and no-one is shown as they really are�I think I just needed something �light� after the Games People Play�and my Big Brother obsession has now extended to literature *blushes*
Anyway�
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzz
I�m knackered (this has taken me all day to write AGAIN! I�m sooooo bad) so I�m going to cop out and post a load of pictures and just a teensy bit of writing�its mostly OLD stuff that I just want to remember :o)
Soooo�.We went out for dinner with Steph (we = matty and moi) and steph pulls the BEST faces�
�and even though it�s been robbed of it�s flavour through the mysteries of the salad cart, she LOVES the pineapple�but then again, so do I�
I got a really cute address book and notebook to help myself GET ORGANISED (and also not lose all my addresses when I inadvertantly break my phone/misplace the multitude of scraps of paper my addresses are written on�
Matt and I cat/house sat for his brother and sister-in-law while they were in Egypt for a week (5 star�all inclusive�cheap as chips�lucky bastards�*thinks of Canada*) and I got some pictures of their gorgeous oriental blue, skye (aka Sag (saggy belly))
And these are some pictures from my lunch with Steph and her mates�
And I found Bumble Bee that I think was dying in the heat :o(
I�ve discovered�
�that Fletch like watching �Bratz��possibly the WORST tv show for young girls
�and can also be very resourceful in the sense that when the Lake is totally filled up with selfish fishermen, he will doggedly (ha ha) seek out a swimming hole
�and that some strawberries (big ones) have tongues!!! (hmmm, that picture looks a little rude you know)
�what men think about on the toilet, thanks to June�s page on my Harold�s Planet calendar
and that�s it�*falls asleep*
Maybe more tomorrow? *gasps in shock* who knows�well�it�s sort of possible�
xxxxxxx
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
