Hey guys….anyone who might still come and read this after I’ve been away for so long. I don’t even know how to start explaining about everything that’s going on in my life. Uni is on it’s way down the drain, things between my parents are strained to the limit and my sister is really ill. I can’t even talk about it on here….I don’t WANT to talk about it. I am so paranoid about this thing now and I think that’s mostly why I don’t come on here because on here I tend to be honest-me…the me who says a bit too much about the shit that’s troubling her teeny weeny braincell.
I’ve become a certified myspaz addict…not that I really DO anything on there like listen to music or look for new people…I just kind of use it as a way to daydream. That and the tattoo forum I’ve joined. It’s like my brain can’t connect with the real world anymore…the only thing I really want to connect with right now is roller derby. I can go mad on wheels…I can fall and crash and smash and bash and yell and scream and laugh…and I can be the loud person that’s been bursting to get out. But I’ve been neglecting the rest of my life and I’m a bit sorry about that. Nothing is real…I’ve dreamt and daydreamed my way through and essay and a half (I didn’t quite manage to make a good job of the second essay. It was a half-attempt) and an exam…it’s been the worst time of my life.
Anyway…most of my time I’ve been this girl:
my Roller Derby alter ego. I’ve spent about 6 hours on 8 wheels so far…and just for that fact I’m doing pretty damn well. I fall down quite a lot but I’m up on my feet again within seconds and skating off. I’m managing to do all the falls quite well, I’m just not excellent at stopping (which is quite important really) and my balance is pretty shit too, but I’m sure that’ll improve with practice.
Anyway…I’ve been avoiding life, not because I want to but because my brain has kind of shut off to everything. I can’t handle thinking about anything else and it’s SO hard just to write this, let alone anything else. I try and write emails and I find myself with nothing to say, nothing to ask, feeling like a boring stupid shit…I can’t even answer posts on my tattoo forum properly. I type something out and then I obsess about how people are going to interpret what I write and then I start thinking that someone is going to get offended and I sound like a twat anyway so I just delete it and I don’t get involved in the thread…and then it carries on without me and I feel SO left out and like I just can’t fit in anywhere…not even in a digital community. Not here…not really on myspace either (because I’m just so paranoid about everything)…and do I really fit into the derby team? I want to, I really do…but I’m such a wimp, so quick to back out of responsibilities…will I stick to this? I’ve GOT to stick to this. I want to…I don’t want to give in. But I’m such a coward and I find it so hard to make friends. Even when I feel like people like me, I still wonder if behind my back they’re saying mean things. So many times on Saturday I got the feeling that ppl were talking about me. Even if it was in a good way, I just don’t know. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
*sad*
I hope life is good everywhere else…I’ve missed this place xx
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
