Hey guysÖ.anyone who might still come and read this after Iíve been away for so long. I donít even know how to start explaining about everything thatís going on in my life. Uni is on itís way down the drain, things between my parents are strained to the limit and my sister is really ill. I canít even talk about it on hereÖ.I donít WANT to talk about it. I am so paranoid about this thing now and I think thatís mostly why I donít come on here because on here I tend to be honest-meÖthe me who says a bit too much about the shit thatís troubling her teeny weeny braincell.
Iíve become a certified myspaz addictÖnot that I really DO anything on there like listen to music or look for new peopleÖI just kind of use it as a way to daydream. That and the tattoo forum Iíve joined. Itís like my brain canít connect with the real world anymoreÖthe only thing I really want to connect with right now is roller derby. I can go mad on wheelsÖI can fall and crash and smash and bash and yell and scream and laughÖand I can be the loud person thatís been bursting to get out. But Iíve been neglecting the rest of my life and Iím a bit sorry about that. Nothing is realÖIíve dreamt and daydreamed my way through and essay and a half (I didnít quite manage to make a good job of the second essay. It was a half-attempt) and an examÖitís been the worst time of my life.
AnywayÖmost of my time Iíve been this girl:
my Roller Derby alter ego. Iíve spent about 6 hours on 8 wheels so farÖand just for that fact Iím doing pretty damn well. I fall down quite a lot but Iím up on my feet again within seconds and skating off. Iím managing to do all the falls quite well, Iím just not excellent at stopping (which is quite important really) and my balance is pretty shit too, but Iím sure thatíll improve with practice.
AnywayÖIíve been avoiding life, not because I want to but because my brain has kind of shut off to everything. I canít handle thinking about anything else and itís SO hard just to write this, let alone anything else. I try and write emails and I find myself with nothing to say, nothing to ask, feeling like a boring stupid shitÖI canít even answer posts on my tattoo forum properly. I type something out and then I obsess about how people are going to interpret what I write and then I start thinking that someone is going to get offended and I sound like a twat anyway so I just delete it and I donít get involved in the threadÖand then it carries on without me and I feel SO left out and like I just canít fit in anywhereÖnot even in a digital community. Not hereÖnot really on myspace either (because Iím just so paranoid about everything)Öand do I really fit into the derby team? I want to, I really doÖbut Iím such a wimp, so quick to back out of responsibilitiesÖwill I stick to this? Iíve GOT to stick to this. I want toÖI donít want to give in. But Iím such a coward and I find it so hard to make friends. Even when I feel like people like me, I still wonder if behind my back theyíre saying mean things. So many times on Saturday I got the feeling that ppl were talking about me. Even if it was in a good way, I just donít know. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
I hope life is good everywhere elseÖIíve missed this place xx
Last Lemon Productions!