I�ve had a quiet weekend�but it�s been quite relaxing and contemplative. We didn�t make it to the safari park today, but Steph came over to the flat and we chilled out and watched TV and Green Wing on DVD. The dog puked on Steph in the car which was NOT pretty�he hasn�t done it in a while but I think I might have been driving a bit too erratically for him :o(
She was pretty poorly (Steph as well as Fletch) and so we didn�t really do much�this was fine by me�I�m never up for doing a lot recently, unless it involves eating or the drinking of something nice, and preferably interesting conversation so my mind doesn�t wander and let me lose the plot. I can�t keep track of what�s going on at the moment and I�ve been tuning out. It�s SUCH a bad habit, but I�m not alone, Ant came round the other day and apologised for doing the same thing. It made me smile and at least now I know I�m not completely abnormal and unique in my abnormality. I really can�t wait for my session on Tuesday (ooh er, not like that you dirty monkey! hee hee), I have soooo much stuff to talk to Maria about.
I don�t really know what�s going on in my head at the moment�I�m really up and down. One minute I�ll be happy and feeling fine and like everything is going well and the next there�s a deep feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and my life is being wasted and there�s a million things to think about and be doing and I don�t want to do any of them�it�s very annoying. I don�t want to be like this. Stupid. I�m one of those people I hate. Blaming my life for all my personality flaws but I swear, I do NOT want to be this shouty, snappy, bitchy, frowning, lazy, un-motivated ratbag that I am�and I know that really I�m not this person at all. I just need to work out what�s making me feel this way and then stop it somehow.
Sometimes a horrible part of me thinks that despite how I feel for anyone I need time alone. I need to bugger off and spend some time with me, not feeling guilty for the things I�m doing. I haven�t done that in a while. I have every Saturday to myself while Matt paintballs but and I hardly do anything round the flat�I just play on the computer, walk the dog, drink tea, watch tv, chill out�and the whole time I feel like I should be doing something, but goddamnit, I don�t WANT to!!! Yes, lazy�I know. I know I should get the washing up, tidying and stuff done BEFORE I sit down at this wretched thing and get lost in it�and this is something I want to solve. Maybe if I get away and have some time for me, I can come back and start thinking about things in a more adult way. No, it�s stupid, it�s just running away I think.
Jess and I were talking about it the other day�she said she wants a holiday from being her and that�s the exact thing I was thinking the other day. I just don�t want ti have to think about the things I have to think about for a few days. I�m selfish really, I guess everyone feels this way at some point and I know a LOT of people who are not enjoying the position they�re in right now and would like to step out of their own shoes for a bit. I�m lucky that I�m getting the help I need from my doctors�it�s the first time they�ve ever come through for me really so it goes to show that what your surgery is like plays a huge part in your well being. Matt�s old doctors were awful, they refused to listen to him and just carried on telling him that he had to work through his anger and depression alone�I�m so gald he took my advice and changed surgeries�eventually. I guess he�s not very motivated either.
Is it bad for two depressed people to be together? Expecially if each of them wants attention from the other without having to do that much themselves? I really try with Matt but it get�s so downheartening when he�s never affectionate back. I mean, he IS affectionate and lovely sometimes but it�s just not as often as I�d like and I worry lots that things aren�t right. Well, they�re not�but damn it�I think we can work through this, even though there is some other stuff going on that I�m really not sure about. I�ve found some stuff and some people on his MSN (he let me use it�) and some friends on his myspace that have made me feel jealous and antsy and bad. I hate the internet for this sort of thing�especially as he gets SO nosey about everything I�m doing. I don�t even think he likes me talking to other women online, just incase something dodgy might be going on. That�s how it seems anyway. He also has a girl on his MSN from his workplace, a girl who I have witnessed flirting with him and eyeing him up, a girl who texts him about her bi-sexuality and her plans for a woman at her workplace�a girl who I have other suspicions about too�ARGH�it�s making me mad. I don�t think about it too much BUT right now I�m trying to work it out in my head. I guess that�s what all this has been really�wow�Louisa�s random brainSTAWM!!!!
:o)
counselling is good you know, but writing is sooooo much better! I can�t write fiction for shit anymore (and that makes me sad too) and I have no inclination for poetry but I can introspect all afternoon! I�m so narcissistic recently (I learnt that word today!!! I always knew it but now I know for SURE what it means!)�well, I don�t love myself really but I AM obsessed with myself and my problems and I want to be able to give my brain a break from that. Writing kind of clears a bit of a space, untangles the enormous ball or twine in my head a bit. Very theraputic, although it generally doesn�t help me to understand myself more, probably because I know everything I�m writing down already and I need someone else to offer suggestions or ask questions about the crap that I�m coming out with.
*deep cleansing breath*
life is good, I just need to realise that a bit more. I have a lot going for me and a lot to be happy about, and despite all the crap I should be able to see that the light at the end of my tunnel is NOT a train, heading straight for me. Am I alone in this? Do other people feel like everything is caving in on them from a great height like empty boxes in a warehouse? You can see them falling and it�s in slow motion but there�s nothing you can do to stop them and it�s almost impossible to push your way out because of all the sharp corners? God�I�m definitely melodramatic if nothing else ;o)
Okay�it�s time to post�I�ve run out of things to ramble about and it�s time I got some cuddles and cheered up. I haven�t confronted Matt yet, and I don�t know what to do. I�m not sure if he reads this�if he does then maybe he�ll know what�s going on. Damn, I�m rambling about shit again. Thank you for reading this if anyone has�I know it must be hard for people to understand me, I�m trying desperately hard to understand myself!
XXXXXXX
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