Oh my GOD! So much has gone on since I last updated�I am going to attempt to remember everything I�m excited and happy about :o) on saying that though, I�m not in the best mood to begin writing really. It�s mom�s birthday and Matt and I have had yet another stupid row over nothing. Maria has asked me to try and think about what emotion I�m covering up with my anger�so, when ever I fly off the handle I have to figure out what I�m shutting out. Huh. I really don�t get it because when I�m angry I�m feeling anger!!! *laughs* yes, I know it�s a stupid answer. I guess that today I felt ashamed because I�d said some stuff that had upset him and I knew it�d upset him at the time and that was bad enough but he pointed it out to me later on and I guess that being ashamed of myself meant that I turned it all into anger.
Why can�t I just be ashamed?
I have no idea�I want to explore this further but I worry that I start laying blame.
Hmmm�.talking about counselling though, it�s all going well. I like Maria again :o) I think that going to the sessions with a more positive outlook (and having prepared the stuff she�s asked me to do�I was ALWAYS rubbish at doing my homework on time) really helps. I can�t just go to the sessions, I need to carry on thinking the same way she�s been making me think all week long. And I need more time to myself. At least arguing has meant that Matt�s mates haven�t come round here and he�s gone round to them instead (but seriously�they were here all day yesterday and the day before and I�m NEVER going to get to update soon. I wish he�d try and understand what it�s like spending all day wanting to do my own thing (but not being able to because I�m stuck at work) and then when I get home I feel like I can�t do anything (use the laptop for anything that requires concentration/read/have a long bath/watch a programme only I like) and yet he tells me I�m selfish and I always want to do my own thing. Yes. Okay. Maybe I do WANT to, but when do I ever GET what I want? Not very often, and so when I�m already in a mood I have a tendancy to demand what I want. Hard.
OKAY! Onto something else�
First of all�
�LETS GET THE WORK CRAP SAID�
woooo, well�work has been surprisingly good!!! Despite being moved onto a new, screen-being-observed-by-boss desk (where I can�t email like a MOFO, lest that not be obvious) I have found amusement in:
- Bush & Associates�come on, Bush & Ass�u KNOW you want to abreviate it!
- Willey Estates (I came up with a few dialogues�I won�t bore you with them! Let�s just say�I�d MUCH rather live on a Willey Estate than a council estate�)
Oh�and my performance review! My last one (I�ve trawled through my diary but I don�t think I recorded it) was awful because I had poor attendance (��I have to ask�do you have an eating disorder?� � yes, my last team leader was VERY sensitive) and she pretty much focused on that, my eating disorder, my drug use etc etc and acted like a concerned mate (well, she did a very BAD impression of a concerned mate�I KNEW she was just being a bitch because I wouldn�t/couldn�t come out of there and say she�d been out of order) and then she wrote a review that was totally different from what we�d discussed. It was like she�d taken my opinions into consideration IN the office, but as soon as we were back out with everyone else she just concentrated on what she thought of me.
�but�this one, despite my email usage and the telling off I got, was�AMAZING! She told me I�ve improved massively and that I seem to be getting on better with everyone. She also said I have good intiative and that I have a HUGE (say it in BIG letters) potential and that fi I want to, I could excell at anything I wanted to do :o)
Tres Pleased Am I.
OH! MORE DOG POORLIES�
Argh! How stupid are people??? Some TWAT at Brian�s work (he works at a leisure centre) had thoughtlessly (and illegally) poured some concentrated industrial cleaner on the ground and grass by where all the staff go for their cigarette break. B-man took Kane, his puppy up to work one evening and because it was dark he didn�t know the powder was there�until he got home that is. When he got home, Kane went to bed for a while, then he couldn�t get up, mainly due to the immense chemical burns on the pads of his feet.
I feel sick with anger�
I reckon we�re going to plan a small lynching!! ;o) nah, but B is definate that he�s going to lose someone their job�poor Kane�he had to sleep on his back with his legs in the air for two days :o(
CANADA EY?
Oh yes, oh yes *does the big mixing spoon dance* I�m going to fricking Canada ey??? Yeah!!! Me mom and steph are all flying out together to stay with Mom�s college friend, Jane!!! They�re staying for 2 weeks and I�m flying back after 10 days (because I need to spend some holiday time with Matt and Le Pup�and if I leave work in september having taken ALL my holiday, my wage packet will be crucified) which makes me feel a bit EEK! and a bit squinky. I�m a nervous flyer�so if you�re coming back from canada to birmingham, mid-july, just try not to sit next to me if you don�t want a gibbering idiot clinging to you at take-off, landing and during turbulence�
Oh damn, that was all a bit rushed and there�s other stuff I wanted, nay, needed to say�but it�s coming up to half ten and you know, I�m bloody knackered recently. I�ve got to get up at 6 to wash my hair so damnit, I�m going now.
Matt still isn�t home so that means I�ll get woken up when he gets in, BUT, he knows I�m getting up at 6 to wash my hair so I can only presume he�s being a git. Oh sod it, I told him to go out so I can�t blame him for not coming back at a suitable bedtime for me. I need to think a little more rationally sometimes.
Nighty night
x
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Last Lemon Productions!
