God�I feel SO weird.
The funeral went really well�we had a lovely service and the vicar only made one mistake when he called my Auntie Dot�s husband Tony during his �speech� thing � but we all had a lot of fun calling him Tony all day and the more he drank the more it amused him too. Anyway, the weather was good, the vicar said a lot of lovely things about Granddad and we sang songs that he used to sing (which made most people cry but to be honest, I think it�s exactly what I needed�) My cousin Julie had made some lovely service booklets, with photos of Granddad and inside there was a fushia print (his favorite flowers) and the songs. The photos alone made me cry and I�ve kept one to remind me of the service. The graveside service was just as touching, and we all got to throw some soil on the coffin and say goodbye�.
We went on to a pub afterwards and sat outside in the sun, the entire beer garden to our party (which was pretty big!), ate buffet food and all talked and chilled out. Dad said that it was a great thing to do after feeling all that grief and I agreed�everybody gave everybody else lots of hugs, and I hugged and kissed people FAR too many times but I don�t care because I love them all and I don�t see them enough. It was good to feel so loved back too and I�m definitely going to make more of an effort to get to see them because it�s wrong to get together just at weddings and funerals.
So�the weirdness�well. Granddad was in an open casket at the funeral home so that we could pay our last respects. I had the choice of going in to see him. At first I�d chosen to go in, and then Dad told me that he�d been in and gotten upset and so I shouldn�t go�so�I decided NOT to go. And then at the funeral home Dad was saying that it was too late to go in anyway, and THEN he said, it�s not too late and if you want to go in you can and I got all confused and upset and started to cry. Auntie Dot was lovely though and she reassured me about going in�so I did. Dad came with me�I don�t know if I want to think about it TOO much but I�m going to try writing about it because I think that maybe I need too. How very confusing. Anyway�they opened the door and the second I saw him (he was quite far from the door but not far enough) I thought �bigmistakebigmistakebigmistakebigmist�� but Dad walked in infront of me and I felt a bit braver. It wasn�t nice�it wasn�t Granddad and I don�t know how the fuck I managed to do it. I said a proper goodbye to him and I held his arm but, well, I wasn�t calm put it like that. I don�t regret doing it but it didn�t make me feel any better about anything. It made things final in my head, even though I�m convinced that it wasn�t a person in front of me�but to be honest, it wasn�t really because the part that make Granddad a person has gone somewhere else now. But I don�t know how I feel. I don�t know if I�m freaking out or if I�m handling it. I don�t know if I�m going to sleep well or lie awake all night�
Gah!
Matt pointed out that since we�ve been together he�s had to accompany me to four funerals and a wedding�now that�s got to be some kind of sign that Matt and I are living in a very negative type of movie!!! :o)
But anyway, besides the freaking outness, I think everyone has had a good day despite what we�ve been doing. I said goodbye and I got to share some love and conversation with my family. I will miss him so much but it�s like he�s been gone for ages already and just a shadow of him has been hanging around and chatting with us occasionally�I am remembering all the good things about him, like the way he whistled and sang, drank tea out of HUGE mugs, loved his garden and greenhouse, the stories he told�he was wonderful like most Granddads are :o) he really will be missed x x x x
I didn�t take my camera with me to the funeral. I thought about it but I didn�t think people would be in the mood to take photos�my cousin Julie is a professional photographer though and she�d bought some of her equipment with her so I pinched a few of her shots with my phone camera (it�s pretty as good as long as you�re prepared to wait a millenium for it to take a picture). These are all taken in the pub that we went to after the cemetary�
PHOTOS�
Steph, my little sister, and Kirsty, my second cousin�there�s only a year and a bit between them and they could be sisters!
Mom and Dad :o)
Steph and Moi! Kirsty took this and it�s pretty good�check out my salon straightened hair, it�s NEVER this straight when I do it myself.
My Matty :o)
My Auntie Hazel (Dad�s younger sister) and her husband, Uncle Bernard,
Auntie Hazel (just incase you forgot)
My Granddad�s children�My Dad, Auntie Hazel, Auntie Dot and Uncle Tom
Dad and Auntie Hazel,
My cousins Julie (right), Diane (middle) and Diane�s husband Andrew�and their baby Joseph, who is the baby in the picture, obviously!
My cousins Julie and Angela,
Diane and Joseph,
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
