Don�t you love good days??? I don�t get them too often but yesterday I�
-> made it into uni in the MORNING�
-> scoped out the gorgeous �I�M A FUCKING UNI STUDENT!� hoodies in the guild�
-> did the work I was meant to do (ironically�.as the fucking lecturer never turned up)
-> scoped (with a periscope) some books out for my thesis (�and started fucking reading them�)
-> spent an hour chatting about our module (because the lecturer never turned up�.weirdo)
-> WENT TO WAGAMAMA�S!!!!!
-> bought Krispy Kreme�s of wonder�
-> bought DVD�s and CD�s of joy!�
How amazing is the food in that place (wagayumyummuchmunchmamas)? We (me�cat�alfrrrrrredo) sat, talked, ate great food�and we spent ages sitting and drinking green tea and chatting afterwards too�.oooooooh! �twas luverly!
�mmmmmmmmmmmmm�..cha han with miso soup and pickles�
Alfredo and Cat :o) I wanted to take more pictures but I think they thought I was being a bit of a weirdo (oh well, I can�t help it�it�s me!)
and�mmmmmmmm��
and�ooh!!! Prettyful!!! Metal christmas tree!
and�next tattoo?? It�s the same colour scheme as my cherries, so I�m thinking of either having this on the inside of my right ankle (to mirror the cherries) OR having it on the outside of my left ankle and having a swirly wooshy background to join them up�but I�m a bit worried this�ll make my leg look dumpy. Oh fuckgibbets�
�but yes, the meal was ace, even though it was only the three of us�so we�re now planning a big outing for the whole group (there�s 9 of us in our Monday morning module) for a meal, as well as a trip to the Black Country Museum�my gosh! It�s like being back in primary school! SCHOOL OUTING!!! I wonder if we can book a coach? Lol�it�s fun really�three of us are international students (from Italy, China and Japan) so we want to do things that mean Alfredo, Nitti and Takashi can get to know england a bit better too. And we�re all big kids�
BRAAAAAIN!!!!
I have a brain!!! It�s slowly returning to me through the medium of happy pills! I realised today that there�s something holding me back in everything I do. I have�THE FEAR!!!
It�s true!!! These are some of the things I want to do:
Photography class�
Learn to ride a motorcycle�
More tattoo�s (and BIG ones�)�
Learn to snowboard (or ski)�
Join a dance class�
I�ll stop there for a minute�you see, Matty has his own interests. He plays paintball at tournament level and he has training sessions with his mates as well as going to the tourneys every month or so�he�s got things that make him �him��but I have nothing really. Okay, I have my things online and I have my Uni course and my friends there, but it�s only really like going to a job and I don�t want to be defined by the course I�m taking. I want to have hobbies�I want to have skills and interests. But I�m ascared I tells ya!
So�a photography class�not scary really is it? But�being around people who know more than me, who might not like me, whilst I�m learning about something that I have no idea if I have flair for�what if they laugh at me? What if I can�t understand? What if I just don�t get it?�very scary.
�learning to ride a bike�so, I could fall off and die in a horrific and bloody way. Nuff said�(might I add here that I only think this because my Dad has so effectively lectured me on this subject and how many friends he�s lost because of bikes and all the injuries he�s had and don�t I know that he was an advanced police rider and I have no hope because I�m made of feathers and will blow away in the wind and cannot possibly hope to control a bike�*gasp*)
�more tattoos�I want ink in my skin, but I�m worried about �wasting� skin�as in, I don�t want to commit to a HUGE tattoo on my arm in case I suddenly find something that I like better than what I�ve chosen. I�m also worried about how people will perceive me when I have such an obvious tattoo. It�ll affect everything I do. It�s not knowing HOW it�ll affect things that stops me (oh, and the fact that you can see the tears welling in my parent�s eyes when I talk about tattoos)
�snowboarding�I will make a fool of myself. I�m not good with making a fool of myself. I guess I�m ultimately scared that I�ll be no good and it�ll be a huge waste of time and money�
�dance classes�the fear of failure again, the fear of being uncoordinated and not actually being able to dance as well as I think I can�
all of it is just fear of either failure, or rejection�I�m SUCH a strange person. I want this life full of fun and friends and STUFF but I inevitably end up lazing around like a BUM and wishing I could do the things I want to do. My life isn�t my own right now�well�it is�it�s all my own, but it�s also all crap. I�m not the person I thought I�d be and I don�t have the life I thought I�d have right now. I wish I knew what to do to kick start myself�but I do think these pills are starting to make things better. I�m coping better�I�m not crying at the most ridiculous things and I managed to sing along to some pretty melancholy songs on the radio without blubbing like a baby!! Lol
I�m still feeling weird about the strangeandstupid friend/ex boyfriend thing. I�ve just got too much on my mind�do you ever want to start over?
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
