Argh�not a happy easter�
First of all we were meant to be going to the pub with some of matt�s mates, BUT, we weren�t sure if we could fit it in with going for lunch at my parent�s house AND I didn�t think the dog would behave himself at the pub. So that started a row in the morning, but we got over that and managed to get to my parent�s without too much trouble.
Because this was a lunch thing for easter and to sort of celebrate my birthday (because I�m doing stuff with Matt tomorro) Mom was REALLY trying to involve me by asking me LOTS of questions. It was seriously getting on my nerves because every five minutes she was asking what I thought she should do with so and so and how would everyone like something or other and all I really wanted was to go round and have a nice afternoon without having to make all the dinner decisions and I got really snappy. Besides that, Fletch was like a hyper furry ball of energy and was charging round the house, Spyro stylee, panting and crashing into things and making Sally BARK and I was seriously getting to breaking point when Dad came through the kitchen, kicking Fletch up the arse and telling him to get to bed�.Right, so Dad was PLAYING with the dog. He hadn�t done anything wrong. He didn�t deserve to be told off or kicked. He�s got a fucking bandage round his foot. He�s hyper enough as it is. I SHOUTED. I�m sorry I shouted but come on, what was he playing at?
Dad didn�t say anything, he just went off and carried on doing what he was doing but when we sat down to dinner there was this awful atmosphere and then about 5 minutes in he screams, kicks out at Fletch (who was on the opposite side of the table to me, by the patio window) and then starts saying that he was about to cock his leg up the blinds. Right. So Fletch, who never cocks his leg up ANYTHING inside, even in Matt�s brother�s house where they have 7 cats, is meant to have conveniently cocked his leg up the blind where no one else was looking. So, that aside, Me and Matt got up to take Fletch into the garden and Matt commented about the atmosphere. He alsosaid he wanted to just take Fletch over to his brother�s house so I got angry, went in and demanded to know what was wrong with Dad and why there was an atmosphere. He told me that he didn�t like to be spoken to like that in his own home. So I said I was sorry that I�d shouted but blah blah blah. He told me to sit down and shut up. I said no, not until the atmosphere was cleared up. He said, fine, take your dog and bugger off then.
Needless to say it wasn�t very nice, not on a day when we were supposed to be having a good time�I pointed out to Dad that I�ve got lots of reasons to be upset today, Matt told Dad that he was out of order for acting like this towards me, Dad said that Matt was the cause of most of my problems, I said that no he wasn�t and that their stupid divorce and their idiotic staying together and acting like nothing is wrong is a LOT of my problem and that there are a lot of other things too�in the end I told Dad that if you have a problem with someone you should tell them and clear the air, not sit there in a mood and spoil everything.
I cried a LOT and felt so sorry for my mom. Dinner had taken her ages and looked really nice, Auntie Flo was there and got really upset and I felt so bad that Steph was upset too :o( but I couldn�t stay there. We packed up and drove over to Matt�s brother�s and chilled out. We also decided to have a joint birthday celebration tomorrow (it�s her birthday too if that wasn�t obvious ;o)�) so we�re going to get some disposable barbeques, lots of food, wine, beer, sweets, cake�it�s going to be really good�
God�this was so crap and dull�I feel crap and dull right now. I can�t believe my Dad�why couldn�t he just have said something when I snapped? If he�d have told me he was angry rather than just acting normal and walking away I�d have apologised there and then and told him that I was just generally wound up and I didn�t mean it. But he didn�t. He let it all get out of hand and he made Matt want to leave and he made me so angry and upset�
All of it boils down to this one stupid selfish thing.
It�s my birthday tomorrow and my nan isn�t here. She wasn�t here today during our easter lunch (it wouldn�t have been ruined if she�d have been there) and it just felt weird. I�ve been missing her more and more rather than getting used to not having her round and I can�t stand it. I don�t like writing about stuff like this here�I don�t know why, well, I think I do, but I just can�t help it right now. He�s pissed me off so much. Why can�t he be nice? Why did he have to kick the dog??? He knew that he had a bad leg so why go trying to make him run and jump around???
I think I�m just winding myself up more by talking about it to be honest.
It�s all just fucked up�Matt has said he�s never stepping foot in my parent�s house again, so that makes things nice and difficult!!! I have to try and work tomorrow around going to my parent�s on my own, not going so early that Jon and Jeanette won�t mind Matt being dropped there, but not so late that Dad will be out of bed. I don�t want to see him at all. Part of not wanting to see him is because he might apologise (MAYBE) and I feel like I�m so angry that I�ll not accept it and then I won�t get another one from him and I�ll be too stubborn etc etc blah blah we�re so similar it�s untrue�
Okay, I�m leaving it at this because it�s late and I don�t want to get this running round my head again while I�m lying in bed!!! I�m really looking forward to tomorrow, just because we�ve got a fairly simple day worked out and even if something goes wrong it�s not going to be catastrophic. For some reason, maybe it�s how it is as you get older, but this birthday feels very lonely. I�ve booked time off work and there�s been bank holidays so no one at work is really aware it�s my birthday (they will be when I take cakes in on Thursday, but til then�) Nan and Grandpa aren�t here and I�ve not really been making lots of plans or discussing it loads so it feels like a non-birthday�oh well, we�ll see what happens tomorrow�maybe I�ll be pleasantly surprised? Yeah, we�ll see�
Optimism reigns in the brain of the LouBee! I�m posting before I have to be sedated�fingers crossed that I�ll have lots of lovely pics to post tomorrow evening!!! *birthday kisses*
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