This is a bit of a mixed bag today�.I�ve not updated in SO FUCKING long that I�ve got about a million things to say and I�m just going to say them all because if I start saving things for another entry then I�ll be sat here in a week�s time trying to do this again and failing at it. I�m a FAILURE!!!! I�m seriously worried about me and my procrastinatory skills. I�m FAR too good at it.
Speaking of which�it�s Friday, I have no lectures, I�ve done NO READING all day�and I�m just going to make myself something nice to smoke. I�m bad. I need a spanking. Ooooohhhh�.okay, I�m not going down that avenue of thought, I�m already thinking rude thoughts�Matt woke me up in the middle of the night last night and I�m STILL grinning!�look�
�like the hat??? I bought it this morning from Joy�s�I only went in to get a card and came out with a Rasta-striped beanie! I lurve it *strokes her head and purrs*�yes, I AM still wearing it now�
I�ve had a good morning really, despite the all encompassing guilt that I should be reading a minimum of �lots� for one of my modules. Me and le puppydogpig have been into Worcester�
�left Matt there (don�t worry, he wanted us to)�bought a new keyboard so I can type from all around the living room�and we have galloped through a misty park (which we had ALL to ourselves)�
�where we saw Pigeons eating bread out of a hole in a tree (I didn�t realise Dryads ran bakeries)�
�and got Fletchy to do some posing (he�s wearing a building as a hat�I�m awful at framing�)
�he�s so cute :o)
It was Steph�s birthday on Wednesday�
HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFFATEE
�I bought her LOTS of stuff because she�s lovely and wonderful and gorgeous and she deserves to be spoilt, especially on her birthday :o)�and some of them were specifically to make her smile�these in particular�
We ate some lovely food at Frankie and Benny�s, and I was obsessed with my legs because I don�t get them out that often�
�and in recent days I�ve bought new crafty-type things (yeah, ok, MORE distractions from Uni I know�), like this ACE stamp that I�m going to decorate everything with (I�ve already attempted decorating everyone who�s come through the front door)�
�and I�ve been incredibly jealous over THIS costume�although I could get Krysi to wear it and just cuddle her LOTS!!!
�and I�ve tormented the dog with his own collar�
�and I�ve LOVED uni�quite frankly :o)
I�ve made friends with a few really nice people, and my course group is really friendly and chatty. I can�t believe how open and LOUD I�ve been�I�ve been ME and I�ve had so much fun. It�s weird huh? But this is part of the THING you see. I�ve got a fucked up head and I just can�t stop this paranoia (and, by god, does this entry get self involved from here so be prepared to be bored�please leave now if you want to carry on liking me)�
I don�t recognise myself when I look in the mirror either�I mean, I look at myself and it�s ME but I�ve never looked this way before. I�ve never liked the way I look but now I kind of do (even though I�m starting to think that I have a HUGE nose)�and I�ve even started wearing make up (eye make up) more often because I know that it makes me look just that little bit better and it makes me feel more confident when I see myself in the mirror and I don�t look tired and drawn.
�but the stupid thing is that as soon as I�m away from the mirror and walking around or talking to people, I have an image of myself in my head�it�s like my face feels different to me; different to how it looks, and sitting here, behind this face, I can�t help but feel like the ugly person I imagine. It means that when people react to me I take their reactions in completely the wrong way�I always think people are looking at me and laughing at me, the way I look or the way I dress. It�s only recently occurred to me that maybe people are looking because maybe (and I really can�t bring myself to say this sometimes because it feels so un-modest and big headed and awful)�maybe they are looking because they LIKE the way I look or dress? But I don�t feel like anyone would.
I act like I�m confident most of the time, but I really don�t feel it. I constantly worry that I�m boring, or that I�ve offended someone with what I�ve said. I think I�m on the verge of losing friendships because of this... I don�t really know how I can help it either. I always feel like I�ve done something wrong or forgotten something, because I always do and it always causes problems�
My god�aren�t I going on? And isn�t this a dirge??? I�m not crying out for attention, I�m just so morbidly obsessed with myself at the moment that I can�t think of a lot more other than the things that are getting me down. I cheer up emmensely when I�m at uni, but anywhere else and all I can think of is how worthless I feel. Matt doesn�t really seem to have the time or inclination to listen to anything I have to say right now, and even though I�m really lucky to have a close family and some really good friends, there�s also quite a few other people in my life who I seem to pay attention to without really getting any back. I heard somewhere once that other people need you to be attentive to what�s going on with them, just to make them feel like they�re worth spending time with or time talking to. Right now I don�t feel very worthy of anyone�s time�
Gahhhhhh��
Bllllaaaahhhhhh�.
That�s how I feel.
Sometimes maybe I am too boring for some people. I�ve already lost one friendship (I�m not going to go on about it again�) because of my relationship with Matt and the fact that she thought she could drop me whenever she wanted including my birthday for two years running�okay�I know�I�m going on about it again. But yes. I just find it hard to tell people how I�m feeling without feeling guilty that I�m upset with them�so I end up never talking things out with people and just getting more and more upset. I�ve tried to tell Matt about his indifference can make me feel, and he�s trying, but I still end up talking to the wall sometimes or just wishing that I�d never mentioned it because it�s started some kind of opinion-based argument. Blah.
�I am not liking myself right now, can you tell?
All I want is to feel comfortable with myself�I want to be happy with the way that I look.
What does it take to start feeling like that?
Anyway�I�ve bladdered on for far too long and about far too much crap. I�m going to make coffee and stuff my face with nice food and yet again, refrain from reading�
*is bad*...and...*is also still wearing her beanie*
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Last Lemon Productions!
