I�ve got an entry half-written�but I�ll have to post that another time because I don�t have time to finish it this morning.
Life is so��GAAAHHHHH at the moment.
Everything seems to be going wrong, I�m losing all my motivation and I feel really really WEIRD. I�m wasting time�I know I am but I can�t help it. Rigt now I should be preparing for the presentation I�m supposed to be giving tomorrow about a subject I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT and I was convinced that I could waste time now because I always have tomorrow morning to finish it don�t I?
Except�I don�t. Because my lecturer brought it forward and so the seminar is tomorrow MORNING rather than tomorrow AFTERNOON.
I just hate this life right now. I hate this flat. I hate the way I can�t talk about how I�m feeling all that well. I just feel all black and miserable and unmotivated. The doctor said that my wrist is fine but that I shouldn�t have tantrums (he also called me a daft bugger for not going to hospital because I was scared they�d DO something to me) but I didn�t tell him how depressed I�m feeling. Maybe I should ask for more counselling (not that I have time to go) or medication (not that I want to take it) before things take a turn for the worse. Before I take a turn for the worse.
I sound so stupid and dramatic. I feel so crap I can�t help it. I should be in uni RIGHT now and I�m not. I�m typing�I�m watching cash in the attic�I�m smoking a spliff for godsakes. I still have to straighten my hair, walk the dog and get out of the house and to uni. I�ve only got three and a half hours til my next lecture so really all I can hope to do is get to the library in time to find the manuscript I�m supposed to be analysing�then spend the rest of the evening after my lecture trying to work out what the hell I�m meant to do with it. And then I�ll stay awake all night long worrying and then tomorrow I�ll make a complete goddamn tit of myself.
ARGH!!!!!!!!
I sent a text message to my nan this morning�I sent it to her disconnected phone because I just needed to write it and send it and see that it had gone somewhere just so that I felt like she�d gotten it. And then I called Mom and cried and cried down the phone to her, even though she�s got more than enough on her plate right now. I really must have lost it this time.
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
