Life is so weird right now you know. Things are all over the place (as is my brain) and I�m thinking of going to the doctor this week to try and sort it all out. I�m just going to see what they suggest�even if it�s yoga :o)
Some of it�s about other people, but some of it�s about me too�.maybe I�ll talk about it later.
Uni is good�so good. It sounds stupid but I�ve been to the most amazing place in the world�it�s called �Special Collections� and it�s in the library, and it�s where I get to purr and coo over the gorgeous medieval manuscripts and the rare books�oh yes. I have died and gone to ancient-book heaven :o) I�ve found a passion for gothic script and burnished gold leaf. I�ve even started sighing in pleasure over the black and white joys of the facsimiles�
Besides that, when I�m there I feel ALIVE. Well�my brain feels alive anyway. When I�m here in the flat I feel stupid, I feel unmotivated, I feel like wasting my life in front of the TV or this thing.
But I�m so unhappy�
Family life is just weird with a capital WEE right now, I�m a �self-employment� widow (both because he spends all day working and then spends all evening with his mind on what he�s got to do tomorrow) and I am obsessed with food and my fucking crap body. Today I went into River Island and a pair of size 8 jeans looked huge to me�but I can remember a time when I WORKED there and I hardly fitted into their size 16s and I never thought I�d be this size. I never thought I�d get a LEG into a size eight�and I thought that I�d be happy if I ever did. But it doesn�t make any difference.
I can wear a next size six and I�m still not happy.
One of the worst things about losing weight by not eating is that your body rebels against you and does evil things�the things my body has chosen to do? Well�it�s devoured my boobs. And I have enough skin to wrap you AND me in.
For the first time in my life I�m wearing short skirts (but still feeling terribly wrong�if that means anything to anyone else�) and I LOVE the way my legs now look normalish, and not so out of proportion with the rest of my body�
�but I hate the way that without the magical support of a pair of tights, they look AWFULhorriblehorriblehorrible. How the fuck do you tone skin??? I have serious doubts that toning creams are going to do anything for me. Even if they do work I�m sort of convinced that I need a circumfrential bodylift.
I hate my stomach, I hate my arms, I hate my bum the most I think, I hate my naked legs�I�m covered in hundreds upon thousnads of spidery thin stretchmarks. You can�t see them, but you can see where they make my arms, stomach and legs look like ropey old chicken skin, and if you have the forethought, you can see that they make the insides of my upper arms and my hips and legs virtually impossible to tattoo.
The thing is (and with the help of weed I can access my deep dark paranoia and throw this thought waaaaaaay out of control) you only have one body and one go at this and this concept never seems to occur to you during the years that you are fucking your body up. The realisation comes with the consequences doesn�t it�and right now I�m rueing the phrase �let me learn from my own mistakes!�
I�ve become a shopaholic recently�in some weird bid to a) make myself feel better because I have lots of clothes I look good in and actually fit me, and b) make myself feel even more awful because I still don�t get told that I look good (so I figure that I don�t actually look good and I�m deluding myself�) and I am running out of money fast and I don�t really have any to waste right now. I�m going to have a chat about it all with Matt when he comes in (if he�s not too tired or too �stressed� from it all�*ahem*) and see if I can figure out with him what we should do. I know he�s busy right now but I�m having a really rough time and we both need support. Gahhhh�I just hope he understands what I�m saying because I�m not even sure if I do!!! Anyway�time to go and do my chores�I�m a naughty girl and I�ve been out window shopping all day. I needed a hit�even a fake one will do sometimes (actually, I lie, I bought Steph a pair of sandaly-flip-floppery things, Matt some gloves (in case I can convince him out to a bonfire) and me some VERY expensive jeans�but they�re soooo nice�
�oh, and check out le boots! (please ignore the mud�I didn�t realise I was such a state�)
�
Sorry I�m such a whining biatch.
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
