So�.London. What can I say? Well, no wonder most of the people in London walk around with faces like slapped arses, I be exactly the same if I had to ride the fucking tube everyday (no, scratch that and replace it with �ever again�). Firstly, (and this was all a surprise to me by the way�.I�m a capital city virgin and my cherry was not just popped yesterday, but IMPALED on the Erotic Gherkin or something) the stations are all on different lines, so sometimes you either have to walk to a different station (which is also hard when you have no fucking idea where you�re going) or start fucking around with hopping on and off�
But anyway�
�I rode the tube! I know it pissed me off but still, I have achieved something new (and irritating). I HATED being down there. There was a weird wind that shouldn�t have been there, and the air smelt damp and stale, like the Wookey�s hole. It isn�t right being that far underground and when you�ve already taken THREE escalators down, you start feeling a bit �belly of the beast� ish. However, I got to announce that we were going �beloooooow� (Soap Distant goes beloooow in Rankin�s wonderful books) � and attract the attention of two very good looking young men who were also Rankin readers by the look of it � and AND I saw Mornington Crescent on the tube map!!! Unfortunately we were heading towards it and getting off a stop before (Euston�just so you know) so I never got to see if we�d stop there, or even if there is a �disused� station. Actually�some �asking of Jeeves� (because Googling is SHIT quite frankly�it�s useless) has shown me this which is heart breaking. God damn the London underground for trying to take the pressure off Camden! I want mystery in my life.
THE LONDON RAGE!
I had to leave the house ridiculously early, only for us to arrive in London (after getting lost for a little bit may I add) a whole hour early�so, we could have stayed in bed a bit longer. Also, when we arrived at London we looked for Fenchurch Street Station on the underground maps (for that was the station our company�s building had been associated with) only to find out that you can�t get from Euston to Fenchurch St without getting two tubes and walking. So, how annoying is is (for a stressy person) to get into an unfamiliar city only to realise that we�ve been sent here with NO INSTRUCTION WHATSOEVER. We couldn�t leave the building all day and lunch was a pile of pants (well, it was really sandwiches, goujons (which part of a chicken is it�s goujons?), mini spring rolls and samosas, and scampi. But it was all horrible) so needless to say I ate hardly anything at all all day and now I�m having ANOTHER day off work and my boss is pissed off. She should be glad I wasn�t in today, I�ve had a day to compose my anger at her for the fuck up that was London.
THE LONDON BOREDOM
I was soooooo bored! Luckily (or unluckily once the sun came round that side) one of the walls was made of glass so I could see out over the city�these are the things I saw!
- A building straight out of Gotham City�and it had a weird shaped roof so there were HUGE doors in the side of it (the roof) for the window cleaning crane to get out�
- �4 window cleaning cranes in use. They�re so cool!!! Living in Birmingham with 4 sided, flat roofed buildings, the window cleaners are uninteresting�but when the crane becomes an integral part of the building�wow. Man, I�m sad when it comes to architecture.
- some crows swooping around the points of the crazy-roofed-gothic-office, they were mating or fighting or something�whatever it was, their aerial acrobatics were MUCH more engaging than insurance speak.
- 3 places steam was coming out of roofs (not chimneys! No! for that would be too mundane)�did I already say that I was bored?
- a flicker of a BASE jumper, on his spiralling descent, between the gothic office and the steamy-roofed office block next door.
You can see so much on the 14th floor�and from the bathroom (which also had an entire glass wall�very nice but disconcerting when I realised I needed to rearrange my boobs in my bra (as soon as I can find them in there) and although I could do this in front of Poonam, I didn�t really want to do it infront of the gaggle of builders who might (from 10 floors below me) be able to see me. Yes, my paranoia surmounts. Anyway, from this window we could see the erotic Gherkin in such a way that we could hold up our arms in a fondling, stroking manner and take photos�so we did!!! Oh, how I wish I could afford gold membership this month!!! :o)
THE LONDON PIGDOG
Ladies�if you have bad skin, here�s a little tip. Although foundation may cover your BLEMISHES it will not (and I repeat�not) cover up the lumpy bumpyness of your skin. And, while we�re on the subject�has it occurred that letting your skin breathe a little may not only decrease the crater appearance you�ve got going on, but it might also serve to close those pores that are gaping open for air, mking you look like a big, foundationed-up orange-peel head.
So yes�trashy woman in London�she was only one person away from me and her �interesting thing�* about herself was that she knows Chantelle from Big Brother (or, as she said�Shan-teaww!!! From Big Bruvva!!!)...oh, and the wrap over top she wore ended up flashing her bra and her wrinkly crepey looking tits. ARGHHHH!!!!
* �Introduce yourselves, where you�re from, how long you�ve bee with us and SAY ONE INTERESTING THING ABOUT YOURSELF�� I have come to dread those last six words�what the hell do you class as interesting??? Why??? What is saying ONE thing about myself going to do other than make me feel a little silly, make everyone feel a bit uncomfortable, and MAKE ME MAD! My interesting thing was that I have never been to London city centre before�other �interesting things I heard were�
- a woman had a horse called Max�interesting to me � I wanted to mention Saxon but the words �I used to have a horse�� just isn�t interesting.
- Kelly Clarkson�s (yes, that�s really her name�she�s an underwriter with our company) favourite colour is Pink�wow�I�m soooooo interested
- Some men support various football teams
- the last woman to talk had heard so many interesting things that she�s decided she leads a very dull life�liking pink, supporting football, never having been to London? My god woman�if those seem interesting to you then YES, you DO have a VERY dull life.
�and everyone else said things that were SO interesting that I bashed my head against the meeting table til I forgot them�ha ha, no, not really, but you can see how interesting we all are!!!
THE LONDON AMUSEMENT
We were strolling along the tube platform (Poonam, Lawrence and I) when someone screamed �POONAM! WHAT THE FUCK!� and grabbed her. Some old school friend�but they did the whole jumping up and down and screaming girlie girlie thing (do I need to add here that the majority of the commuters in the underground go around in a miserable kind of silence? Well they do�and those tubes ECHO) while Lawrence and I pretended we were deep in conversation. The funniest thing was (as it was through the whole day) Loz�s quiet additions to the conversation that only I can hear�
Poo: OH MY GOD!!!! I can�t believe it! I�m only in London for the day!
Screaming Girl: Oh NO!!! And I�m in court all day!!! And I�m late for work now�
Loz: Oh, well you better toddle off then, like a good maniac
And I just wanted to kiss him when he said (on many occasions) �Just shut up Poonam,��p>
BEING CHEERED UP IN LONDON�
Matt was sympathetic to my crappy day and sent me a text to cheer me up. It basically told me that one of Jamie�s friends (Jamie is Matt�s 14 year old nephew�a mini-Jack Black) had been asking ��who was that fit emo chick?� and this �fit emo chick� turned out to be me!!!
Now, 14 year old boys, I am very very (try incredibly�I�m FIT!!!) flattered by this but there is something you neeeeeeeeed to understand�
I AM NOT EMO!!!
�
however, I may pursue this line of thinking with this t shirt slogan�
I AM EMO
(but I don�t cry about it)
�I like that a LOT more than I like Bam Amalamajama bumming Him�on a t shirt of course!!!
THE NOT ABOUT LONDON BIT
This is not about London�just to re-iterate�
FOOT SEX!!!
Once, my ex and I found a video with some amazing music (I later found out it was�erm�daft punk I think) and a woman giving a guy a foot job by using the soles of her feet to wank him off. Unfortunately for the poor guy his dick got a little slippery during the foot-play and she eventually (in her excitement I can only guess) ended up losing her grip and stamping on his dick instead�squishing it back to flump-status.
This used to be my idea of foot sex�and it amused me.
Now it holds a different meaning�
After his evening meal Fletch usually emerges from the kitchen, thrusting as he�s walking along, on his way to SHAG MATT�S FEET! He never gets his lipstick out while he�s trying to get it on with the feet, but he does (once rejected) sit there, staring at Matt�s feet, whining and getting a full-on-puppy-chubby. He also nudges the feet whilst crying and crying and crying�rejection is a terrible thing.
Needless to say�it�s a subject of great hilarity in the flat (not for Matt...his feet are the only ones Fletchy wants) and we like to comment on what he�s doing, to the tune of�
Me: Awww�Fletchy wants some foot loving!
Matt: He�s not getting it *pushing Fletch away with his feet* Fuck Off!
Fletch: *whines and bounds back to the feet, only to be pushed away again�.and repeat�and repeat�and repeat�*
Me: Stop pushing him away like that�
Matt: Why? I don�t want him to shag my fucking feet *shove�bound�shove�bound*
Me: Because Matt, it�s turning him on�it�s like foreplay!!
B: SNORT! *falls off the chair laughing*
Note: B does not say SNORT�he merely does it.
THE RED HOLIDAY
Everything gets red at Valentine�s doesn�t it? Why? It�s so gross�it�s all about the Lady Gardens. Think about it�.a heart can only represent one thing.
Anyway�I had said �let�s forget about valentines this year� in the hope that Matt would do something surprising. And I wasn�t disappointed�which was SOOOOOO nice!! I got home and he�d cooked me dinner (which I consequently couldn�t eat�.but this is the not about London bit) and there was a very fitting card (�Tonight could be your luck night, I want you something rotten, I want to kiss you everywhere, and bite you on the bottom��or words to that effect�and he�s a bottom biter *big grin*), a cute teddy holding a rose, a mug (I broke mine) and he�d managed to print a picture of him and Fletch off his phone and had put it in a frame to go on my desk :o)
God�I wish I�d have been well enough for it to have been my lucky night!!!
IN RETROSPECT OF THIS ENTRY
My god�I�m ever impressed by the amount of crap my fingers can create,
Commissioned from:
Last Lemon Productions!
